Sick in the Head

I’ve had a major headache all weekend and it’s definitely caused by tension. (My baby is starting Pre Kinder tomorrow and I’m freaking out!) As always, I used my favorite method of self diagnose - the internet! Here’s the information I gathered off some random ‘self-proclaimed-highly-recognized-medical-site’.

Definition
A tension headache is a condition involving pain or discomfort in the head, scalp, or neck, usually associated with muscle tightness in these areas.

Causes, incidence, and risk factors
Tension headaches are one of the most common forms of headaches. They may occur at any age, but are most common in adults and adolescents. Tension headaches result from the contraction (tensing) of neck and scalp muscles. One cause of this muscle contraction is a response to stress (my baby’s starting pre-kinder tomorrow!), depression (my baby’s starting pre-kinder tomorrow!), head injury (what the hell was I thinking?), or anxiety (my baby’s starting pre-kinder tomorrow!)

Ok. So, tensing of the neck and scalp muscles? CHECK.

I went for a massage on Saturday. It only made my condition worse. Rather than focusing on my neck area, the lady proceeded to say my abdomen was a bit swollen (no shit, I just had a baby not too long ago) and offered to give me a ‘Lymphatic Massage’.

Definition: (A therapeutic massage using a gentle pumping technique to drain away pockets of water retention and trapped toxins. Considered by many medical practitioners as a premier anti-aging treatment. Lymph Drainage requires detailed knowledge of the location of the lymph nodes. Sometimes done on the face and neck, other times the entire body, lymph massage helps stimulate lymphatic circulation,which boosts the body's ability to eliminate wastes and absorb nutrients. It can also reduce swollen or puffy tissue and tone underlying tissue.)

I’d never heard of that before so, I agreed. She began doing some funky hand work on my stomach. Circular motions. Pushing up and down. Then…began Karate chopping around my intestines. I was not impressed. Nor did I accomplish my Saturday morning mission to relax. Rather, I lay on the bed, while she was practically beating me up, wondering what the hell was going on as I felt my insides vibrate and wanted to throw up. When she finally finished she asked my if I needed to ‘go’ to the bathroom. Apparently, this special massage she worked so hard to give me was supposed to ‘clense’ my body of the toxins. I wanted to punch her.

No cleansing happened here. Instead, I left the spa traumatized, bruised, disturbed...with an even bigger headache than before!