My First Christmas

Look at me...Look at me...

HO...HO...HO!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!!
WISHING YOU ALL THE BEST FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!

One Man...and a Baby!

I think I have separation anxiety.

Is that possible?






My earliest experience was a couple of weeks ago when I went to Bren’s sister’s bridal shower. This was my first official night out since giving birth. I got all dressed up... even took a shower (something I took for granted pre-baby) and gave V special tips for what was meant to be a relaxing evening for both of us. That ‘relaxing’ evening swiftly came to a halt when I phoned home from the restaurant to check in on my boys…..

V sounded strained as the little guy shrieked in the background.
“He’s been crying..actually…SCREAMING since you left...but that’s ok, don’t worry about coming home, and enjoy your evening.”

RIGHT – AS IF THAT’S POSSIBLE!

I quickly got up, excused myself and drove home as fast as I possibly could! While all along thinking “Oh my boo, he’s crying, he’s sad his mommy left...how could I have done this to him?”
When I got home, it was a sight to remember. A variety of bottles were tossed around the coffee table - some with milk, some with water and others just empty. V was sitting on the couch… holding the baby’s soother plugged into his wee mouth…as I walked down the stairs….the little guy looked up at me mercifully with his big eyes as if to say “Mommy…help, daddy has the soother so far down my throat It’s touching my tonsils!”
I quickly took him in my arms and within minutes he was fast asleep.

The interrogation began…

Question:
“Did you take him around the ‘stations’ I have set up in our living room? (Vibrating chair, swing, play pen?)”

Answer:
“YES. I went into EVERY station ten times…I even made up my own stations.”

Question:
“Did you juggle the squeaky balls and sing Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer all at the same time?” (He LOVES that!)

Answer:
“I juggled, danced, sang Rudolph AND Frosty the Snowman as loud as I could.”
(Can anyone picture V doing that??)

Question:
“Did you walk around the house with baby in arms while listening to Green Day, Cold Play or Salsa & Meringue?”

Answer:
“I walked around the house…around the backyard… upstairs…. downstairs… NOTHING WORKED!”

I wish I had a hidden camera.

After my question/answer period ended it was time to deliberate.

I felt guilty as ever for going out. Is this normal? I mean, the second I came home…baby was calm…baby was content…baby fell asleep. Did he miss me as much as I did him? Or was he just having a bad night? Why do I feel THIS attached? Is it because I am home alone with him all the time? I am already dreading the thought of passing baby around when we come for our visit to Toronto. Everyone is excited for his arrival and I know everyone is going to take him from me…hold him…caress him…and love him. All of this is great…….but the question is…am I going to be ok with that?

What is wrong with me? Is this called ‘separation anxiety’ or am I a pathetic mom who is unwilling to share her precious offspring with others?

Anyone know of a good therapist?

Six Weeks Already!

I am in a total darkness, but the warm water surrounding me soothes me. Gently, the rhythmic movement rocks me back and forth. Sometimes, I let her know I’m here, then she gently rubs her stomach, delighted that I am alive and well. I am alive in you and I am happy.

Suddenly, the calm is broken. I feel like I am being shoved about…it’s not as peaceful as it was before. It looks like I may have to leave this place….

All is well again. I feel a breath on my cheek. Tender words are being murmured into my ear and the warmth of her body makes me feel well again.

I feel so good, snuggled up next to her. She is stroking me and covering me with kisses. She puts me to her breast, we love each other.

Little by little, I can make out this face and its smile comforts me. I give it a name, I call it Mother.

Oh endless source of love and comfort today let me tell you that I love you.

Francine Boisvert, January 1992

He will be six weeks on Wednesday!
Cristian Gianni Perri Degirmencioglu (yes, we changed his name around a bit) has been a true blessing and a great little addition to our family. Last week, he became an official Mexican citizen. We went to register him at the government office and were told all 'Mexicans' require to carry both their father's AND mother's last names. So, that being said my little guy had the privilege to add my fourteen letter maiden name to his birth certificate. As funny as that sounds, I have to say a part of me is happy about his extended name!

Life has definitely been very different since our bundle made his way into this world. For starters, I am yet to sleep more than four hours straight. I feel like a walking zombie and haven’t been able to differentiate my days from one another. Mondays feel like Fridays… and Sundays feel like Wednesdays.

I have heard many times over the first three months are the hardest. I guess I can see why. The little guy eats, sleeps, has his diaper changed frequently and cries. All seem pretty simple right? Well, it’s not. The most frustrating part of all has been trying to determine the reason for his tears. Is he hungry? Dirty? Hot? Cold? Bored? Feeding time has also been interesting. Cristian loves his milk - formula from the bottle and milk from his mom. My breasts have never been exposed to the public as much as they have been the past six weeks. My new name ought to be Mildred and a bell should be hung around my neck. Get the picture?

His one month pediatrician appointment was two weeks ago, at which time we learned he weighs 9.9lbs. The doctor laughed and couldn’t resist but point out his ‘cachetes’ (cheeks) as we stood by his side wondering if we are overfeeding our little cub. Could we be? Should we put him on a diet? When we asked the doctor, he laughed and gave us a reassuring reply… “Babies eat…babies grow. He’s doing well and his weight is within the norm.” Whew, I thought!

It’s been great. My little man has brought such joy to our lives words can’t even describe. I feel truly blessed. My favorite part has been when he falls asleep on my chest and makes little sighing noises to reassure me he is content. I put on music and dance with him in my arms...I just melt….it’s definitely worth the sleepless nights…

Such a BIG Miracle in Such a SMALL Boy!

My name is Cristian Gianni Perri (pronounced Johnny). My second name is after my dad’s dad….whom I will meet in just a few weeks time. So far, I have been on my best behavior (I want to make a good impression). I made my way to my new family on Wednesday September 28th at 8:08pm at a hospital here in Hermosillo, Mexico called CIMA. My mom was in labor ALL DAY with strong contractions, but no pain. I made sure to go easy on her, didn’t want her to be upset at me before we even met. The doctors were surprised when they saw her charts, and how the contractions were OFF THE RECORD…without any suffering. After 13 long hours, she was told they had to take her in to have a c-section. Thank goodness, because my head was starting to hurt! I couldn’t get past her pelvic area - she is just too damn small! All I kept thinking was “Great, our first introduction will be a bit awkward, I am going to look like a melonhead”. And sure enough, I did!

At 8:08pm, there I was, wailing away at the top of my lungs. My mom couldn’t stop crying (could it have been my melonhead or because she was so happy to finally meet me?) The doctor quickly wrapped me up and took me outside to meet my dad for the first time. He looked proud and I think he even has a few of my handsome features!
I weighed in at 6.7lbs and everything looked pretty good. Soon after, I was wheeled in to hang out with my mom again!

The next day was quite hectic. I met a ton of people. My mom’s friends from school, some of the kids she taught and their parents, my dad’s co-workers and a whole bunch of other people came to see me. They kept oohing and aawing each time! My grandma is also here, helping out. It’s nice to have her around; I guess it was worth waiting for her to get here on time! And, to make it special for my other grandma (since she couldn’t be here) I decided to be born on her birthday!
So now she has me to share it with – what more can any grandma ask for!

We also got tons of flowers delivered. My mom kept saying the room looked like a jungle – whatever that is!?

Today is day seven and life has been fun. I eat, sleep and have my diaper changed frequently. I had my first bath on Sunday – it was SO NOT fun. I made sure to let my parents have it…swinging my arms and legs until they bundled me up and made me warm again.

My mom has been crying a lot and keeps saying how I have changed her whole world and that she couldn’t be happier. I even surprised her the other day and showed her how high I can pee…while she was changing my diaper! Gave her a good laugh. My dad has been awesome too! He has been holding me and changing me constantly. They have been pretty cool parents so far.

Before I end this, I want to send a special thank you to all of you for supporting my mom and dad through these past several months…even though she is far away from home; I know she appreciates all the emails, phone calls and flowers you sent.

Can’t wait to meet you all!!

Cristian Gianni Perri

September 28, 2005

Today might be my birthday. My mom has gone into labor and is 5cm dilated. No pain so far, so I'll try and make it easy for her. We'll see how it goes, thanks to all for sending us your 'good vibes'...we'll keep you posted!

Finding My Cloud Nine!

Try to sit really still in a comfy chair and think of all your muscles relaxing and becoming warm and loose. Really visualize yourself in the most serene place you could imagine - floating on a cloud. Stay in that state as long as you can, the cervix will open slowly and every time you have a tinge of discomfort, think this is a cue to further relax.

People can have dental surgery with no needles if they practice imagining themselves in a very serene location.

These words are from someone who has experienced it all first-hand, without the use of drugs. I was having a discussion with my aunt J this morning; she was asking me how I was feeling. Initially, I said I was fine, but then told her about my anxieties. I hate waiting, and as the days pass, the more nervous I am becoming. I would like to think myself as being strong and able to tolerate pain, after all, I have passed kidney stones several times, that should count for something. But, the thought of giving birth is really scaring me now. I am fearful of the unknown, of the pain I will encounter! So, after sharing my concerns, my wise aunt J gave me a few words of encouragement and shared some tips on relaxation techniques that helped her through a sans-epidural delivery not too long ago – she is a psychologist.

“The process happens in stages,” she said. “The first being the opening of the cervix, this is not painful; just imagine the door opening down there.”

The door opening down there? Isn’t that how I got myself into this situation to begin with? I am not concerned about the door opening…rather, how much it can open is what I am apprehensive about.

“That could last awhile and you can sit quietly or move around, but do not get tense. Every time you feel yourself tensing (you can do chores, swim, bathe, whatever) just say I'm going to sit and go on my cloud. This can last for several hours as the cervix is opening, all is healthy and normal,” she continued.

“Your water might or might not break as the cervix is opening, it knows what to do, it’s just like a gush between your legs, warm and watery, all good and peaceful.” YIKES!

She continued by telling me to just imagine any twinges of discomfort as way off tiny specks on the horizon, smaller and smaller. The discomfort of the birth is not necessary to attend to because it will be born naturally on its own, I shouldn’t misinterpret the pain as an indication that something is wrong, it is good discomfort, it means I’m getting closer to obtaining my goal.

Apparently, when my water breaks, at that point usually I will start mild contractions, but again I must stay calm…I must focus. Cloud....floating....breathing...cloud....floating....breathing… Cloud....floating....breathing...cloud....floating....breathing…

According to my aunt, the worst enemy of labor is misinterpreting it as bad. It isn't. It's like the discomfort at the dentist; you don't really have to pay attention to it, so why not focus on relaxation at the beach!

There you have it folks. It’s proven and attainable.

If anyone is looking for me, I am off searching for my cloud, making sure there's a comfy spot available right next to me for my coach!

On-Call And On High-Alert

It’s Sunday morning. I feel as though this week took forever to get by. Every morning I wake up and wonder ‘Is today the day?’ I am hoping the little guy is waiting for Tuesday to arrive, that’s when his grandma will finally get here.
I am feeling the same as usual. Nothing different has happened except every night I go to bed wondering what the next day has in store. Friday night, V and I went to a local Mexican restaurant called Mariachisimo. We had the regular steak, with frijoles, nachos, guacamole, and my favorite dessert! After that hearty meal, I felt it was a bit too heavy in my stomach so I washed it down with two glasses of limonada-mineral. What a mistake that was. Needless to say, I got up several times that night and huddled the toilet as the food made its way back up! I felt terrible. V was partially awake checking to see if I was ok. After several hours, I decided I would put on a pair of cozy pajama bottoms to help me fall asleep again. I made my way to my packed carry-on (ready for the hospital) and opened the top to get my pjs. When ALL OF A SUDDEN, V jumped up and soared out of bed (picture it in slow motion) yelling “Is it TIME?” As crappy as I felt, I couldn’t help but crack up. I laughed so hard. It’s good to know he is alert and on the ball! For someone who normally doesn’t wake up with much ease, I was totally impressed. I guess that was sort of like a dry run.
Now, we are truly ready for the real thing!

It’s My Time for Reflection

With so many different feelings and emotions I think it’s important to note that a wonderful thing is about take place in V’s and my life. Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary and I am trying to make it the most memorable yet. For 12 years, we have been everything to each other – experiencing new adventures, taking on challenges, and always supporting one another with life decisions! And, by next week, a baby’s cry will be something new we will share together. I think to myself how things are going to be different. Although I know with everything inside me that we are going to have an absolute blast as the little angel arrives, I can’t help but feel a sense of sadness. Vince and I will no longer be together alone……

We are going to share our love with another being who will be with us constantly on a daily basis. It’s funny because I don’t really know what it’s going to be like. I was having a conversation with a dear friend last night, and was able to compare the situation with the addition of a new puppy. V and I always say how much we love our dogs, Rock & Roll, and how we can't remember what life was like without them around. I can only imagine we are going to feel the same when the baby is born. The feelings will obviously be on a much grander scale but in a very similar way.
I just hope we CAN remember “What life was like before the little guy came around” because even though new beautiful memories will be made….V and I also share amazing moments together that deserve to be remembered a lifetime….after all…isn’t that what created the miracle inside me?

Happy Anniversary Babe!

He's On His Way!

PANIC
A sudden, unreasoning, hysterical fear.

I would say that’s a perfect word to describe how I am feeling today.

I went to the Dr. to have another exam. I am 2-3cm dilated and can have this baby any day now. Was I expecting it THIS soon? Not at all. Our original due date of October 11 is definitely not going to be met. So, as nature takes its course over the next few days (or week)….so does my mind – it has automatically been set to panic mode. I rushed home and started to pack my bags….underwear, pajamas, a book and some other essentials. I also packed a few necessities for the baby, including one bottle (in case I am unable to give him my boob right away).

V and I decided to ‘sterilize’ the bottle. It was a sight worth seeing. We boiled some water….put the bottle in it and waited for a few minutes. I called my mother-in-law to ask if we were doing it correctly as I had a sudden vision of plastic melting all over the stove. Laughingly, she advised us we were doing it properly. Wow. Our first ‘baby task’ has officially been completed with flying colors! Good job us!!

We are now playing the waiting game. When will this miracle take place?

Only time will tell...

My Belly Story

The countdown has begun.....this picture was taken at 33 weeks! (August 22-28)

I am feeling much better. No longer walking around like a penguin, rather, the weight of my belly is simply slowing me down. These days, all I keep hearing is “Ay Dios mio, pura panza!” *Translation – “Oh my God…..you’re all belly!”

My due date was originally October 11th however it seems to be changing. According to my Dr., he thinks it may be 2 weeks sooner which brings me to the end of this month - END OF THIS MONTH!

I can honestly say I am ready – or am I?

Up until now everything seemed so surreal. The belly growing, the contractions, weight gain etc…. none of it made me realize the truth of the situation – we are HAVING A BABY! Ok…..I am in panic mode now……

We had a tour of the hospital a few weeks back and much to our surprise were shocked to see there were NO PATIENTS & NO BABIES on that specific day. Vince asked the nurse if Mondays are usually a ‘don’t-have-your-baby-today’ siesta days in Mexico? Seemed a little odd to us, don’t you think?

In The Womb

Here are some pictures of baby Perri chilling out in mama's belly! These 3D images were taken week 33.

The first picture shows him sleeping....with his mouth wide open (just like his aunt). The second one has him smiling. I wonder what he's dreaming about? Who knows if he will look anything like these images, but it's funny how both families have already started taking ownership of his features... "His lips look just like Vince's!" and "He has your grandfather's nose!"

We won't know for sure until he makes his way into this world..but for now, I think he's pretty cute, if I may say so myself!!

Painting Can be Fun

Last week we began working on the baby's room, our theme is 'Under the Sea'. We had to paint over Toy Story images (from previous owners) to presonalize it for our little guy. Vince did a great job creating the waves. Once the waves were done, I began drawing fish and other creatures. The dolphin is Vince's favorite. For a first time painter, I must say I did a pretty good job!
See below to witness the rest of my beautiful artwork.....

Baby's Room is Under the Sea!

The End!

Down South Is a No Entry Zone!

If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters.

Don't touch me! Don’t come near me! Let’s just cuddle...

Can these three phrases sound anymore appropriate for the way I have been feeling these past few weeks?

So far, my pregnancy had been pretty ‘uneventful’. Definition of this word? Full of no events – and I guess we should never speak to soon. I am now in my 30th week and counting down, hoping for a more uplifting and enjoyable few weeks ahead. Week 28 and 29 were BRUTAL, to say the least. I went for a blood test and discovered I have Pregnancy Anemia. Apparently, this is pretty common and only means I need to double up on my iron intake, more meat and more green veggies. So, that’s exactly what I have been doing. Watch…my next appointment, I will be told my cholesterol is too high and I need to slow down on the ‘red meat’ intake.

Next came my infamous bout of contractions. Everyone kept telling me they’re normal. How could I be the judge? I’ve never been pregnant before. Do ‘normal’ contractions make you crouch to the ground wishing you could pull your hair out and bang your self onto a wall? Do 'normal' contractions make you want to call 911 as a burning sensation takes over your entire body? Do 'normal' contractions make the mom-to-be yelp in an agonizing cry? Well, I didn’t think so. After finding blood in my pee, the doctor was able to detect a Urinary Tract infection gone undetected. U-N-D-E-T-E-C-T-E-D! My first thought was “HOW could this be undetected? You’re my doctor; you should have detected this from long before. Rather than telling me my contractions were normal, you should have detected the agony in my voice. The concerned look on my face was a sure giveaway these contractions couldn’t be normal. Isn’t it YOUR job to DETECT such things DOC?”

Luckily, we caught it early enough where the infection hadn’t spread to my kidneys, now that could’ve been a call for disaster, bringing on early labor and major complications. In any case, I am on new vitamins, antibiotics and of course a pill to help stop the contractions - since apparently that is what they were, caused by the infection, yikes, I have a lot to look forward to in a couple of months – EPIDURAL PLEASE (with an extra shot of Demerol and Morphine).

The story doesn’t end here.

After taking the antibiotics for a few days, I noticed I was red, swollen and a bit itchy down below. Hmmm, why is all this extra fluid leaking out? Yep, you guessed it right ladies, the antibiotics caused a lovely Yeast Infection. I've never had one before, and I don’t wish one upon my worst enemy (ok, maybe my worst enemy can suck it up and suffer for a few days!) So, I called the doctor (yet again) with my sulking voice and ‘I feel so bad for constantly bothering you’ tone – wondering if he can tell his cell number is on our speed dial. I told him about my recent ‘southern discovery’ along with my new friend ‘hemmie’ that cordially invited himself to make an appearance on my ass. He gave me the name of a medication to ‘insert’…and told me to drink Metamucil for my buddy ‘hemmie’. Oh, but wait a second, “I am not constipated!” I told the doctor. To which he responded “Ah, then, ‘hemmie’ most likely showed up cause the pressure of your uterus is pushing down on your rectal nerves.” RECTAL NERVES?? Who knew they even existed? I sure didn’t.

Luckily, the story ends here. I have been walking around like a tortured penguin for the past 3 days, wearing nothing but comfy cotton grandma undies and sweats. So long to my thong days….feeling sexy has definitely been thrown out the window. My husbands response to all this? “Thank goodness we didn’t have sex, can you imagine if I caught your infection!” GOD FORBID! Maybe a dose of itching powder in his workout shorts will teach him a lesson or two!

I have to admit, he has been very supportive and trying to help the best he knows how. I on the other hand have been a grouchy bitch walking around (like a penguin) miserable and annoyed. While V goes to the gym with his friends….I sit here on my painful ass, waiting for the day to come where my little guy will finally be here, laying in my arms, while I try and start to feel normal again. I have also come to the realization, although pregnancy IS a team effort, no matter how much endeavor the father puts forth, the mother is still the one who sacrifices the most – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and socially.

Just think…..

If men were equally at risk from this condition (pregnancy) - if they knew their bellies might swell as if they were suffering from end-stage cirrhosis, that they would have to go nearly a year without a stiff drink, a cigarette, or even an aspirin, that they would be subject to fainting spells and unable to fight their way onto commuter trains - then I am sure that pregnancy would be classified as a sexually transmitted disease and abortions would be no more controversial than emergency appendectomies. ~Barbara Ehrenreich

Week 27...

If you can give your son or daughter only one gift, let it be enthusiasm.

- Bruce Barton


The countdown has begun. What seemed so surreal is now only a few months away from becoming reality, and my emotions have done a good job taking over me. My trip to Toronto was eventful and filled with great moments. My baby shower was fun and the N&R wedding went well, two milestones that have come and gone. The next big thing at this point is waiting for our baby to make his way into this world.

Saying good-bye to my friends and family seemed harder than usual this time. I guess in my mind it made things that much more real, knowing the next time I see everyone will be with my… son. I am overwhelmed, excited, nervous, scared and of course full of love for this little being inside me that has made clear he is around.

The punches and kicks are getting stronger as the days progress and I can’t help just lay there and watch. My first thought was “Wow, if I am this in love with him now…how much more can I love him when he is finally around us?”
That’s where the love and excitement come into play. As for scared and nervous…well, that’s a different story all together. We bought our little man’s baby furniture last week. I was excited until I got home and broke down. Reality hit. Could this be the greatest love of my life? Thus far, V was it, and now, this ‘non-existent’ person whom I am yet to meet is going to take over and our lives are going to be completely different than what we have known all these years. We are buying furniture for a little person who is coming to stay with us, for good - not just for a visit. Being far away from home also doesn’t help. What if I don’t know what to do? What if I am not the perfect mom? What if my little guy doesn’t like me? What if my husband loves me less?

All natural, I am sure (or at least hope)! Life is definitely going to be different and I cannot wait for that day to come. Some people wait a lifetime for a moment just to dwell in this happiness, I am making sure I enjoy every single day until that very moment. I will stand by my baby forever and ensure he is well taken care of, and well entertained. I am sure my version of ‘Baby’s Got Back’ will be just as entertaining if not more than the version performed on Friends. I will speak to him about life, read to him about fantasy and show him all the beautiful things the world has to offer. I pray he will be my guide, to a more beautiful world than what we see and hear on the news these days. There is hope, and maybe our little man can one day make that difference.

So the story continues…..

Physically - I feel I need a crane to help me get off the couch.
Emotionally - I am like a roller coaster waiting to fall off its tracks.

Am I enjoying being pregnant? ABSOLUTELY!!

I pray the little guy can feel my enthusiasm on a daily basis…thus far; it seems that’s the only gift I can offer him.

It’s a Bird. It’s a Plane. No, It’s Made in Mexico!

Our appointment was yesterday, the day of NO CHOICES - a day where MY idea of FUN was on the agenda. We arrived to the Dr.’s office shortly before 8am and planted ourselves anxiously on the seats in the waiting room. I was called in to be weighed, gained only 2lbs this month, not bad. We waited for 20minutes and in strolled the Dr. After a few more minutes off we went, diligently walking in side by side as our lives were about to take a big change. This appointment meant if I would have to succumb to the fast paced, car playing world of boys, or angelic doll playing, tea time world of girls. We sat down and were asked a bunch of questions. Are you feeling well? Do you have any questions? At that moment I just wanted to blurt out “Yeah DOC, let’s get on with the ‘what is the sex’ show!” Then we moved into the ultrasound room and I took my place on the bed. V told him at this point we are ready to know. Well, not sure if HE really was, but I think at this point he was fearing the safety of his well being!!

On went the jelly stuff and the Dr. began the process. He pointed out the head, arms, fingers, and legs and finally said….. “And here is the PENIS!!!!!!!”

PENIS??????? PENIS??????? OH MY GOD!! WE ARE HAVING A BOY!! A PAPPI!! AN HOMBRE!! A CHAMACO!!! A NIÑO!!!! I WILL HAVE A SON!!!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say, I began to sob as a surge of emotions took over me. V was also overjoyed! He now will have someone to play with his gas powered million dollar cars and won’t have to spray them pink!! Part of us knew it was a boy, but I guess reality did not sink in until that very moment. I have not been able to wipe this silly grin off my face! Knowing the sex of this baby has made my pregnancy that much more real, I now realize that (God willing) in October, I will be the proud mamacita of a little baby boy – made in Mexico!

To Know or Not To Know...

Can parental rivalry begin even when the ‘child’ has not yet made his/her entrance to this world? Is it possible to guarantee an equal commitment from both parents to ensure lines of communication remain at large and decisions are made in harmony? I can certainly say daddy-to-be and I have already begun that well known ‘battle-of-the-parents’.

It all started on April 15th, when we had our 3rd appointment with Dr. M.
Originally, we were told we would be able to discover the sex of our baby around
4½ months. Are we talking a sausage or buns?

We discussed the options, and although the notion of ‘surprise’ stood strong BEFORE we got pregnant, I realized staying patient and not knowing, is just not healthy, for me or the baby! (Don’t they say anxiety is bad during pregnancy!?) Making my decision to know wasn’t too difficult. A few wise people gave me a variety of reasons why everyone should want to know. The knowledge of this baby’s identity will not only give me one extra year to bond, but also the ability to connect with the baby using his/her name. Now I know, most people will argue and say “But, you can still bond without knowing the baby’s sex.” Sure. I suppose. But then what would we call him/her? Is ‘It’, ‘Pumpkin’, ‘Baby’ or Beany ok? Let’s suppose we could name it, would ‘Pat’ be wise to use? Wouldn’t the baby suffer from gender identity crisis even before ‘he/she’, ‘it’ (or whatever) is born?

The other benefit to knowing is the thrill of a double surprise. One at that very moment during the ultrasound (what will the Dr. say?)…and the next upon delivery (what will he/she look like?)

We were both stricken with much surprise when the doctor blurted out he is able to identify the baby’s gender and could tell us at that very moment what we were having. I freaked. I was so overjoyed, eager and ready to embed the idea of having a little girl or boy into the next 5 months of our lives. I saw pink…then blue... I saw Barbie…then G.I Joe….there was a myriad of thoughts and visions crossing my mind. My blissful moment quickly came to a loud squeaking halt when V decided he wasn’t ready to know. I couldn’t believe it. I was in utter shock and completely disappointed!? Shouldn’t I have the final say; after all…I am the one bearing an extra 12 lbs so far. I am the one who is looking more and more like a whale…I am the one who is out of breath more often (shall I go on?)

We left the Dr.’s office.

I knew nothing, only that my baby resembles an alien from outer space.
I was outraged.

Daddy decided he wasn’t ready to know so soon, and thought it would be F-U-N to wait another month! FUN??? Does he even know the definition? Fun means a 'source of pleasure'. Did he find a ‘source of pleasure’ in seeing fumes coming out of my ears? Needless to say I was not having FUN. My only 'source of pleasure' at that moment would have been to wrap my overly hormonal body around his neck and strangle him!

So the story goes, ‘Pat’ is growing and so is my belly. His/her closet is full of yellow, white and mint green outfits. The game of speculation has begun. Both sets of parents believe IT is a boy! After all, how could the doctor be so sure at only 3 ½ months? I am now entering my 5th month and am enjoying every moment of it. Even though we are so far away from home, it’s such a comfort to see everyone supporting us via emails and phone calls. IT is very fortunate to have such great friends and family!

What is my objective of the month?
Continue eating healthy. Continue exercising. And make sure my husband is ready for our next appointment! No surprises then, this time, it will be MY IDEA OF FUN, when Wal-Mart will be the next stop for either a Barbie doll or G.I Joe action figure!

What is my goal?
To use this experience wisely, moving forward and ensuring that my V and I are both on the same page – always. Even though at times we may not agree on certain things, (like circumcision) it is important we work together and arrive to a peaceful agreement when it comes to our baby… ‘Pat’.

I Feel Like a Porn Star

Who knew having big boobs would be such a painful thing? LITERALLY! Nope. I did not get implants nor did I have them lifted (although, having them removed right about now seems like a good idea). I’ve always been a teeny-tiny A cup. A once proud owner of these previously microscopic bumps, I wore my fitted tops with much dignity and pride. Going ‘sans’ bra was an easy thing to do. Well, not anymore. Now it’s move over bumps, here come a set of lethal torpedoes. Being 3 months pregnant has had its ups, downs and…'growths'. Yep, you heard it right. I am 3 months pregnant and completely showing it - so much for the ‘pregnancy glow’ on my face, one quick glance at my belly and it’s clearly evident something is up (not to mention the sudden emergence of acne).
My first thought was people would wonder if I have been eating too many tortillas or indulging in too much cerveza. Well, truth be told, I have been eating quite healthily since I found out about the nugget. But, that hasn’t stopped my normally flat stomach from becoming outward bound. I notice it most when I am taking a shower. In a usual circumstance, I should be able to see my toes when I look down south (amongst other body parts). Now, my view is of a stranger looking belly button with a larger than average gut. Dr.’s response to my quicker than average growth – “ Mees, you are small and petite, yor bady ees making room for dee baby, ees natural.”
Natural SHMATURAL! Could we be having twins? Maybe I am farther along than he thinks? Yeah…NO! The ultrasounds show one little nugget at the average growth rate of three months. Can’t use that as an excuse anymore.
So, here I stand. Three months pregnant – due October 11, 2005.

My birthday was January 19th. We went out that Saturday to celebrate me turning twenty-fricken-nine! Ugh. Can’t believe I’m a year away from turning the BIG 3-0. Nuts. So, I decided to drown my glee…sorrow…whatever it was, in a fun night out with the boys. We went to a local club called Neo and had a blast. As Paulina Rubio’s ‘Dame la Tequila’ blared through the speakers…I did EXACTLY that! I must have had 10 shots of tequila, bringing me to a complete state of utter drunkenness. OHMIGUDNESS…WAS I PREGNANT THEN??? I have no idea…. but that definitely was my first question when we went to see the doctor. WILL THE TEQUILA AFFECT MY BABY?? Will his/her blood be semi-condensed with a toxic dose of Mexican tequila? I mean, nugget was manufactured in Mexico…. and will be born in Mexico…. so maybe tequila in the blood should be acceptable and customary?

The future-dad-to-be is obviously ecstatic and totally anticipating the arrival of his production. Yes. He glows with pride and reminds me constantly how good his boys can swim. Male ego?! Male pride?! I just laugh and nod, “Yes dear…you have Olympian swimmers who have just earned the gold metal!”

The sign is clearly evident at this point. When Loco the bird showed up at our house in January, I am convinced he came bearing the good fortune we desired. Even though I feel FAT, I pee every 5 seconds and my face looks like a pepperoni pizza, I finally have big boobs (for me anyway) and will embrace in a new journey with my husband. Excited, nervous and completely overjoyed for what’s to come ahead....it's amazing...life really is full of miracles…

Sign On...Sign Off

He died a year and a half ago. Since then, my world has taken new meaning with new perspectives on the things that happen around me. When my grandfather took his last breath on that dreadful day in July 2003, I was certain I would never be the same person again. As I held onto his hand, I witnessed his soul be taken away into an unknown realm. Was it real? Was it surreal? I still don’t quite know how to describe the feelings I felt at that very moment. A part of me sensed a sigh of relief as I knew his pain had ended, while at the same time I was overwhelmed with extreme grief and sorrow. It’s so difficult to see someone you love so much die right before your eyes, holding your hand while at the same time letting it go. That was the very chapter that brought me forward to a new beginning of my very own personal being.

I have always been sceptical at the notion of life after death and find it hard to believe souls are with us daily and spirits are amongst us sending signs of different sorts. The thought is actually kind of eerie, isn’t it? How many times has something strange happened to you that has made you wonder why? For instance, ever since my grandfather passed away, I constantly stumble upon the numbers 1111, whether it’s looking at the clock at that very moment, receiving emails at that time, my bills at the grocery store, etc…. Very strange, isn’t it? What could it mean? I have absolutely no idea; I am yet to figure that one out!

What stands out most is a particular incident that took place not too long ago. Let’s see if I can make you a believer. Four days before my birthday last month, I was sitting at home using the computer. The weather was nice and sunny, as usual, and V was at work when I suddenly heard a rustling noise just outside the back sliding door. I looked over and saw a beautiful blue bird sitting on a potted plant. I quickly made my way near it, and much to my surprise, it didn’t move from its place. That’s when I realized it was definitely not a wild bird. I quickly came up with my plan of action. What do I do? I can’t touch this bird? What if it bites me?
Oh, but owning a 100 lb. Rottweiler is much safer? I took a deep breath and gathered my composure. I wasn’t going to let this bird go. I grabbed our dog cage and was able to make the bird get inside. I quickly shut the door and placed my prized possession nicely on the patio table.

As I waited for V to come home and see the new addition to our family, I was thinking of what to name our new found friend. Just at that moment, my mom called to say hi. As I told her the story, she suddenly burst into tears. Here's why...that morning, my grandmother called my mom in a cheerful mood to explain the dream she had had the night before. She said her and my grandfather were in the car, driving to the border and my grandfather was joking that he may have forgotten his passport. All in all, she said she woke up laughing at the hilarity of her dream, it made her happy. My mother then continued to tell me when my grandfather was younger, his friends used to call him ‘blue bird’. It was a representation of his stunning blue eyes and his most favourite and famous blue suit. All in all, the entire incident was quite overwhelming.

Could this bird have been a sign from my grandfather? My grandma dreamt them passing the ‘border’ going on a road trip. Maybe he was telling her he was on his way to Mexico? And later that day he finally showed up? All quite strange don’t you think?

The next day, V and I went to the pet store, and sure enough discovered our new pet is called a ‘Perequeeto del Amor’, also known as a Budgie. We were strongly advised to hang on to the bird as it is known in Mexico to bring ‘buena suerte’ (good-luck)! That being said, we bought our new lucky charm a great little cage with tons of toys and the finest of bird seeds. Every morning I wake up and look at Loco (the bird’s name) and wonder what the meaning is behind his arrival.

What’s the moral of my story?
It’s important to be aware and conscious of everything that happens around us. We don’t want to miss an important detail, or lose a piece of an important puzzle we will need to put together later. Perhaps the sign will eventually help point to a significant direction?
I guess we’ll just have to wait and see...

It Happened For a Reason!

Britney Spears got married again….…
Paris Hilton was featured in another scandalous video.
Friends and Sex and the City tearfully ended their long runs.
Martha Stewart reported to prison.
Michael Moore fought a battle – and lost.
George Bush fought a battle – and won.
War is still a continuing shameless battle.
New Jersey governor announced an extramarital affair with a man.
The Boston Red Sox graciously won the World Series.
A Tsunami killed innocent lives in Asia.
….and many more events took place in 2004.

2005! What does this mean? Another year has gone by.

Like always, we have stepped into new promises with plenty to look forward to, or not. Engagements, weddings, separations, new babies etc… The cycle of life will continue as we enter a new chapter. Looking back, I am not quite sure how I would describe 2004. For many people, last year wasn’t exactly a year to remember, rather, it was filled with heartache and disappointed. So, at our annual G7 Kris Kringle gift exchange, we filled our wine glasses to the rim and sent out a toast vowing 2005 would be much better, or at least we hope. We discussed and pondered about numerous events that took place solely in our cluster of acquaintances and realized that our lives have definitely been eventful. Many things have occurred that are yet to be understood. And as usual, my infamous response has always been “Everything happens for a reason!!”

Whoever came up with this phrase ought to be shot, or not? Am I being a hypocrite? I religiously use these words in every aspect of my life. I firmly believe we all have a game plan ready for us when we are born. Am I a fool in deeming this theory to be true? V completely disagrees with this notion. His idea of what happens around us is solely based on how we handle life and which direction we guide our own fate. IF this were the case, wouldn’t we all have great things happen to us without heartache? Wouldn’t there be numerous resources or "Leading Your Own Fate for Dummies" guides at our local bookstores?

Things do happen for a reason, and the end result ultimately leads to our destiny. Things happen in all our lives that sometimes don’t have an explanation at the time, and sometimes don’t make sense. Why would a young person at a tender age pass away due to unforeseen circumstances? Why would a loving couple be torn apart because one person isn’t willing to put forth effort to work on their relationship? Why would couples desperate for children be challenged to work hard at achieving their goal? Why would couples in love be forced to live apart? Why would there be crime? Why would natural disasters claim thousands of lives? Why would there be poverty?All these things seem so unfair! If we were able to control our own fate, why in the world would we allow ourselves to face such hardships?

Sometimes, things happen at a time that may seem horrible, painful and unfair, but in reflection we must realize that without overcoming those obstacles we will never realize our potential, strength, will power or heart. Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of our soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smooth paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. BORING!

Evidently my theory has to be true! Everything does happen for a reason. We have to take each challenge that comes our way and use it to make ourselves stronger and wiser. Some of us are dealt the "challenge" card earlier in life while others wait for years before we have to face a situation. What does not kill us makes us stronger!

My advice for 2005…

Take each day as it comes.
Think positive and good things will happen.
Follow your instincts.
Don’t settle for misery.
Don’t settle for less.
Be grateful for your friends.
Value your family and cherish each second together, because being apart isn’t fun.
Be happy for others.
Treat everyday as though it’s your last.
Last but not least, believe that...

EVERYTHING DOES HAPPEN FOR A REASON!
"We are helpless in the face of Destiny!”