It's a Boy Story!

Ok. I have succumbed to the war between men and women, for now anyway. I am outnumbered, and there’s no way out. It’s been exactly two weeks since I’ve been living with two men, make that four males including my canine pals Rock & Roll. And, as of next week, the number will rise to five. FIVE! V’s best-friend has been great to have around……and I’m sure it will be just as nice when Rocco arrives, but, being the only female in the ‘casa’ I need to figure out a survival strategy. The remote control has been everything the name stands for – ABSOLUTELY REMOTE! I have lost power over the TV and unfortunately, my evenings now consist of watching American Chopper, Monster Garage and The Soprano’s. My Survivor, Apprentice and Bachelor days are long gone. Instead, I have to pretend I enjoy watching an obnoxious rugged man with a bad moustachegoatee combo yell at his sons as they assemble hideous looking bikes. Not my cup of cerveza! As I sit here pretending to be entertained, my mind begins to wonder. I need to find something to do. My initial idea was to export cacti to Canada as a side business to help keep me busy. Thanks to the guys, I have come up with a better plan. I will look into supplying natural gas from the comfort of my own living room. If I could supply natural gas from home, I’d be a billionaire by now. I’m afraid to light a candle with the fear of blowing up the house. Contrary to Carrie Bradshaw on Sex and the City, her super-embarrassing moment of farting in bed is not something these men can relate to. Instead, it’s all about ‘out-farting’ each other, that’s what brings them satisfaction and contentment. They even compare the sounds of their farts…which are louder, quieter, smellier or wetter…fascinating. I will now move on to my next revolting discovery. I woke up one morning and made my way downstairs to have breakfast and watch Regis & Kelly before heading out to school. Halfway through the show, I decided I had to pee. I walked over to the main floor washroom and was devastated to find floating particles in the toilet bowl. I nearly fainted as my peanut butter and jam toast quickly made its way back up. Just as I began to gather my composure, the muchacha (cleaning lady) showed up. I had to warn her not to clean that washroom with fears she might think it was me. That evening, I confronted the men and asked the culprit who left the remnants of last nights dinner to step forward. Instead I got two men and a plunger! They made a splashing discovery - too much paper had clogged the plumbing, yeah right, that’s all that clogged the plumbing! The problem was quickly resolved and off to dinner we went…umm appetizing.

A few evenings later, while watching TV, my lovely significant other decided to swat a fly in my direction. I felt something hit my forehead and fall to the ground. While the guys found this hilarious, I frantically jumped off my seat in desperation for someone to help remove the bits and pieces of the dead fly off my forehead. At such a desperate time of need, the response I got was devastating. The men were laughing uncontrollably as I was in hysterics bouncing around the room screaming for someone to help. No one came to my rescue.
So clearly, amongst everything I’m lacking in what makes my life normal, the thing I miss most is the companionship of a female. The only thing I have are my fashion magazines to help keep me up to date with falls latest looks, hair tips, new colors in make-up and sex tips of the month. Every now and then I blurt out things like, “Wow, tall boots and tapered pants are in this season!”, or “Do you think dark blue eyeliner will really bring out my eyes?” The reaction I get is priceless. I have to admit, at least they try to engage in conversation that doesn’t include bikes, cars or mechanics. Even though they look at me dumbfounded, their response makes me chuckle “Yes Mar, your new hair color looks great!” or “Why wear makeup, girls look better all natural!” I can’t help but laugh. All in all, it’s been fun being one of the guys and having more than one of them around has been productive. Thus far, my team of X-men have fixed the plumbing, repaired the oven along with several other things around the house. So, needless to say they are handy. Now, the only thing they need to ‘work on’ is their ability to engage in productive girl-talk with the only ‘girl’ in the house. Men, can’t live with em’, can’t live without em’!